I met Helena and Juliet (pseudonyms) during coffee hour at church, and their warmth, sense of humor, and cute giggles with each other drew me to them. Here were two ladies, with British accents, having a cuppa during coffee hour (because the British love their tea), meeting this couple from Uganda that had just joined the church, and realizing they had so much in common! Helena had lived in Africa for a few years; she was excited to meet people from there. I remember observing Helena and Juliet at that time and thinking to myself, “I want a friendship like that…” to grow old and giggle with my girls. So, when I started this series, I knew I wanted to have a sit-down with them and learn about their friendship, their perspectives on friendship, and what that looks like as a Christian.
Both Helena and Juliet have been Christians for a while, and I love to listen to their perspectives on different aspects of the Bible. I love that I can see their faith through the lives they live, and I can’t wait for you to meet them through this piece.
I interviewed and transcribed our conversation, and as you can imagine, we talked a lot about various aspects of friendship in thematic areas:
– What friendship means
– On comparison and contentment in friendship
– On intentionality and friendship
– On expectations and friendship
– On faith and friendship
The rest of this piece shall be in first person for both Juliet and Helena as they share their story. Be sure to check out Hannah Baluka’s last post in the series.
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The Beginning – how we met:
Helena:
We are both very silly; there is a Britishness that we share, which is where the silliness comes from. Humor is what has tied us together over the years and was a contributing factor to how we met. We met at a party on the Upper East Side, and we started talking because Juliet has an English accent that drew me to her, since I do too. We have a lot in common: theatre, silliness, humor, church, which has connected us to date. We would go to the theatre a lot together and discuss what we liked and disliked since we have similar artistic sensibilities. Years passed, and we have been friends since 2009 through a lot of changes, learning together, growing in different seasons of life.
Juliet:
I had heard about Helena from friends in the church. Besides the party, God had ordained another way for us to meet, and this friendship seems like it was a divine conspiracy! We also went through finding churches together during COVID in 2020, and since we have similar sensibilities, it took us a year to visit all these different churches before deciding on one that we go to today.
On what friendship means:
Helena:
A friend of mine says “I have a treasure chest of friends”, so I see friendship as a jewel. Like what CS Lewis says in his book The Four Loves: “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” Jesus calls us His friends and really had a high view of friendship. I sometimes think we don’t have that high a view of friendship in our culture. It’s like we don’t value it as highly as the other loves.
One thing that has stayed with me from my friendship with Juliet is laughter, wisdom, and ridiculousness.
Juliet:
I see true friendship as freedom. As Helena said, there is no obligation in friendship; it’s freedom. It’s not a duty thing; it’s really grace and learning a lot about grace in friendship.
One thing that has stayed with me from my friendship with Helena is laughter and comfort – sharing with each other our struggles and joys, especially knowing I will get encouragement from the other person.
On comparison and contentment in friendship:
Helena:
We are not equipped to be great at everything, and comparison is not the answer since we always come out poorer once we compare. As someone said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” It is freeing to know that we are not competing with each other. Friendship is how God ministers to us. I think the best friends are the ones who, if you haven’t seen them in a while, there is no weirdness. There shouldn’t be an expectation of how to act because we are all going through different seasons.
We get comfort from the suffering of others. Each season and challenge is important to feed into the person God is molding us to become, who we are. As John Newton famously said, “Everything is necessary that [God] sends; nothing can be necessary that he withholds.”
Juliet:
We all have a mission. Helena has a mission, and she sees my mission and encourages me in my mission, which has been very uplifting. We can let our friends inspire us if they are doing something that we are interested in and ask them to teach us, rather than compare and compete.
At my age, I have had a couple of failures in the past, and in my Christian walk I have learned that I do not need to be defined by my failures and successes. Our failures, ironically, are the things that make us richer because the things we cling to are all passing away.
On intentionality and friendship:
Helena:
I am starting a new habit in my friendships. If I’m away and I see something that reminds me of a friend, I take a picture and send it to them, letting them know that I am thinking of them. It doesn’t take much since I am not good with phone calls. Regular check-ins are important, and Juliet and I are truly blessed since we have church as our routine, so we get to see each other more often.
I have been sharing with Juliet something that I have been going through that she went through in the past, and her thoughts have been such a comfort for me. That’s the principle of what the body of Christ is. We should all be generous with our time and friendships to continue to grow in the body of Christ. We also need to remember that we were aliens once; living in a transient city like New York is a great opportunity to show generosity.
Juliet:
To realize that Jesus prized His friends above His family, and the incident when His mother and brothers were waiting outside, and He asks, “Who are my mother and brothers?” Jesus calls His friends His brothers and sisters. It’s not like He didn’t care about His mother and brothers because we see what He did for His mother at the cross, making sure that she would be okay. But it was radical; it should make us think about what love is.
When I am apart from Helena, I pray for her; sending prayer requests and staying in touch has helped carry us through a lot of hard stuff. I have learned that in the past, every prayer I have made is not only for the person who has asked but also for me. The Lord’s prayer, “Our Father,” is a “WE” affair and not a “ME” affair. Praying for my friend helps me draw God into the community that He has designed for me to be in. Helena has been there for me through some very difficult times in my life, walking alongside me and being such a comfort and champion.
On expectations and friendship:
Helena:
I heard someone say that “expectations are resentment in waiting”. I think we need to be very careful about expectations. It’s like you’ve written this script in your head and you are judging your friend for not following the script, but it’s all in your own head.
Loving people is seeing who they are and accepting them. Knowing they will love you in the way they are able to. I try to approach people with curiosity instead of judgment. Being interested in them. Listening to them.
We also have to learn how to disagree with each other, approaching one another with curiosity instead of judgment. Not buying into the idea that someone has to be right or wrong. Giving the person the benefit of the doubt. The goal is to be more understanding, winning the person, not the argument.
Juliet:
We are going to disappoint each other because we are human, but when it happens, we have Jesus, who has given us every grace, and when we fail, we have to extend the same grace that we have received. When expectations are broken, I need to look at myself first and not push the other person.
Also, understanding that we have limitations and that we cannot be everything to any one person, and if we do, we have made them an idol. Discernment in knowing what to share with people, and when we are walking with God, He can help us give to people as cheerful givers. It could be a one moment at a time proposition. God is so gentle in His will, and He doesn’t come at us with condemnation.
On faith and friendship:
Helena:
C.S. Lewis famously said, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!‘” Understanding each of your friends for who they uniquely are, celebrating that, and seeing the gift God has given you in them. And being grateful for them.
Juliet:
I love all my friends, and I don’t have to hold back with my Christian friends the way I would hold back with my non-Christian friends. There is a sense of family with people who I share the same faith with.