Living in two worlds taught me that friendship, at its core, was never about geography. It was always about intention and the grace to keep pursuing. Whereas borders can separate bodies, they are never strong enough to separate the people who truly choose to stay because home is a place you carry, not just a place you leave.
Lindzy Byamugisha, 2026
Lindzy is one of my oldest friends from primary school. Over the past nineteen years, we have had a couple of conversations in our different contexts as we have grown and evolved into women. I also contributed a chapter in her book “Out of Sight” which you absolutely MUST read, to understand the impact of boarding school in Uganda to children in their formative years. It was only natural that once we both lived abroad, we had similar conversations on what living abroad meant to the both of us and friendship was one of those. Some of these conversations touched on how we were able to maintain our friendships back home while assimilating to the new worlds we had moved into and we both agreed that it felt like living in two worlds. I asked her a set of four questions to which she will respond in the rest of this post in her voice. Incase you haven’t yet, feel free to read the last post on Starting from Scratch: Creating friendships while living abroad by Ncobile Mukasa.
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What was it like living and studying abroad away from your community?
- Did you ever find a balance between living in your new reality while keeping in touch with community back home?
- What lessons did you carry from these experiences on friendship?
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Most recently, after my return, I found out that a close friend of mine had gotten married. What made me sad was the fact that I did not hear the news or receive the pictures from them. It was then that I started to reflect deeply on how my being away had affected my relationships. Not only that, I had missed two weddings, the birth of two children and some other milestones that I would have loved to celebrate.
So, when Khanani asked me to pen down my thoughts about living in two worlds, I decided to think more deeply about what friendship really is, what happens when these bonds are threatened by distance and if there is such a thing as finding a balance while living in two worlds.
When I packed my bags to leave Uganda for South Africa, I had a rollercoaster of emotions because here I was, a few days away from leaving what I know, what I liked to eat, and the people I had spent a great part of my life with. During the highs, I was excited about what the future held; new school, new friends, a new country and perhaps, the new places I would eventually get to visit. During the lows, I was terrified by the decision I had just made. For someone who had never lived in a foreign country beyond two weeks, it seemed like a leap of faith. I thought I was simply changing my physical address, but in hindsight, even as I am writing this, I can see how many things changed – but for purposes of this article, I will say evolved.
Among the many things that evolved was the nature of my relationships, which seemed like I was here and they were there. I had no idea how my relationships would evolve, especially with the aspect of proximity being removed from this equation and season of my life. I often found myself getting life updates from Instagram and WhatsApp statuses as I scrolled through social media. That being said, there was another side that required work and intentionality.
What Friendship Means to Me
Growing up, friendship was never something I had to think hard about. It was built into the fabric of everyday life especially because as children, we spend more time in school than we do at home. As a child, friendship was more of proximity and nothing far away from that.
However, as an adult, friendship moved a notch higher to being intentional about presence and showing up for one another. Adulthood has a way of spreading us across the country, and the globe. When school which was the common factor no longer exists, what remains is a mutual pursuit to grow the friendship. Often times, we find work on another continent, we pursue school in another country and more often than not, we find love across borders. A resounding thought I always come back to is, “If we live life in seasons, why not our friendships?” Friendship as an adult is choosing the relationship even when life gets busy, heavy and overwhelming. It is enjoying the relationship without comparison of what they can and cannot do, especially because we find ourselves in different seasons all the time. It is celebrating their wins as though they were my own and sitting in silence when words aren’t enough.
Friendship can be very many things depending on who is on the other side; there are childhood friends, friends that become family and will tolerate anything and everything, the ones that will relentlessly pursue you even when you go silent and the ones that will disappear as you get lost in the whirlwind of life. Now, a very unpopular opinion I believe to be true is that not all friendships are meant to last and not all friendships are able to stand the test of time. That, perhaps, will be an article for another day because just like seasons come and go, so do friends. Regardless of the place we find ourselves, I strongly believe in being intentional about my friendships, keeping in touch when I am able to, and extending the same grace that I am expecting from my friends through the changing seasons of life.
Living and Studying Abroad, Away From Community
Moving to South Africa was, in many ways, a beautiful disruption that felt like a break from everything else that was happening in my life at the time. New city, new school, new accents, new rhythm of life. Though I was excited, nothing quite prepares you for the quiet ache of unfamiliarity that creeps in weeks after the excitement wears off.
I remember my first few days distinctly like it was yesterday. The first day I stepped onto campus, I had to navigate through numerous halls and lecture rooms trying to figure out where my department was. Everyone I asked had no idea and google maps didn’t seem to be taking me to the right class. For someone that had tried to get there 30 minutes earlier, here I was, 30 minutes into the lecture, seated on a bench somewhere at the verge of tears.
Everything seemed to be hard at first, especially finding accommodation that was good, comfortable, affordable, and safe. It took me about 2 weeks after getting there to find accommodation. Next was the cultural shock, in terms of food, dress code, weather, language and how community works in South Africa. Unlike Uganda, where it was easy to walk into a place and fit in, the loneliness and individuality was very visible here. Most of my interactions sounded like, “Hi, where are you from?” and whatever followed was dependent on either likeability or proximity.
Living and studying abroad alone comes with a particular kind of loneliness that gets intense with everything that frustrates you. Having to explain yourself more to people, figuring out a routine that works with your schedule, navigating the transport alternatives, and learning to do everything alone. You learn to translate not just language, but context, jokes that don’t land, references no one gets, homesickness that doesn’t quite make sense to people who have never had to leave.
All of this, ensuring you’re not overwhelmed but rather saving up on pockets of happiness just so you don’t dig yourself into a rabbit hole. It humbled me and surprisingly, grounded me. I discovered more about myself and which parts of my identity I had to hold onto lest I disappeared in this cultural immersion. The thing about living and studying abroad is you have to decide very fast what you can live with and what you cannot. It is important that while you are away from familiar faces, you create a routine that is similar to what you are used to – find a church, get into social activities, find a hobby and there, one can easily find a community of like-minded people. It is not the same, but it makes a difference in finding stability and creating a new community where you are planted for the season.
Finding the Balance
For a while, I lived as though I had two separate lives that could never merge. My South African life during the day, spent either in class, the library and my room. On the other hand, was my Ugandan life squeezed into WhatsApp calls that were sometimes missed, voice notes and messages that took ages to get a response.
Honestly, there is no such thing as finding the balance because as human beings, we do not have super powers. If you are fully present at one thing, chances are there’s a gap elsewhere. And it is okay because life is lived in seasons and the beauty about that is, seasons too, come to an end.
The fatigue didn’t just come physically, it came from settling into a new place, school demands and deadlines, weather changes and falling sick. Most times, it was hard to fully explain that life was just overwhelming at the moment.
This was probably a hard pill to swallow but I had to stop assuming that love for my friends would automatically translate into consistent communication. I had to be intentional with reaching out, scheduling a call, sending a birthday message, a voice note instead of silence when I was too tired to type and also letting them know that things too were hard on my side. As much as I think that there is no balance, there needs to be effort made towards growing and maintaining the relationship.
Lessons I Carried
The lessons are many, especially on what I would have done better. Friendship is not diminished by distance and the way we show up can change according to the place we find ourselves. We might keep in touch but sometimes it looks like picking up exactly where you left off, even after months of silence.
Most importantly, I tried to kill my ego that said, “I will not reach out if they do not reach out.” Long-distance friendship dies quietly when both people wait for the other to reach out first. I found it frustrating and still do but it’s the truth. Friendship is about being vulnerable, selfless and loving, all of which cannot be done without showing up the best way we know how, regardless of distance.
Living in two worlds taught me that friendship, at its core, was never about geography. It was always about intention and the grace to keep pursuing. Whereas borders can separate bodies, they are never strong enough to separate the people who truly choose to stay because home is a place you carry, not just a place you leave. The friendships and community I grew up in didn’t stop being real just because I crossed a border which was also a reality for me during that season. My time away taught me that it is possible to keep in touch the best way you know how and toextend grace to the friends across borders, because now, I know better.